They Give This Stuff to Fighter Pilots!!!

So my doc quit her practice to take an administrative position and I had to switch to a different one. It really sucks because I really really liked the old doc. But the new doc I chose is my friend Darrin's partner. I'm pretty confident that since Darrin is a nice guy and a great doctor, surely his partner in the practice will be equally good. We ruled out Darrin being my doctor a long time ago, as since we are friends and neighbors it would be kind of awkward to introduce physical exams into our relationship.

Anyway, I met the new guy last week when I went in for some labs. Friday we met to discuss the results and to hopefully find out why the fuck I feel like crap and can barely stay awake these days. Turns out there was nothing in my lab work that would account for my lethargy. Damn! I was actually honestly kind of hoping for some skewed thyroid numbers or anemia, as at least that would explain things.

New Doc is now betting on sleep apnea as the culprit, which has been brought up before in my medical history. I will probably end up doing a stupid sleep study again. Ugh. While I do love to sleep I also get really really uncomfortable when being monitored.

I did ask New Doc if it was alright for me to take No doze or Vivarin or somesuch since endless hours of sleep and a neverending consumption of caffeine aren't doing the trick.

"Oh, I can give you something that I think will help," he said. "This is not an amphetamine and it doesn't contain ephedrine. It will not make you 'speed' but it will help you to feel more alert and to stay awake. It's often prescibed for shift workers and military jet pilots."

Jet pilots?! Does it come in an economy bottle?

He gave me some sample packs and told me to go ahead and start that day, but to take only half since it was already 2pm. I took half immediately and since I had the rest of the day off I decided to do some errands.

I'll just say that I got more done on Friday than I have in whole weeks past! I think it was around 3pm when I started talking and I didn't shut up until after midnight (at which point I had no problem going to sleep). In between I did errands, grocery shopped and went over and hooked up Muller's mom's internet. During the drive times I took care of phone errands - including some counseling. I took Little Dog for a haircut and then went and got my own hair did. At one point as Corey was cutting my hair I exclaimed, "Cory! I cannot stop talking!!!"

Corey's response was the equivalent of "duh". "Girl, you haven't shut up since you got here," he laughed, "What the hell are you on?!" Now Corey is my spiritual brother, so he knows I don't participate in recreational drug use so he was being facetious. I explained about the doc and the pilots and how I finally felt awake for the first time in months. He suggested that maybe after he finished my hair I might want to go on a speaking tour of the world. Funny guy, that Corey.

When I finally got home I called Darrin - well, that was after I hauled in all the groceries and packages, cooked a late dinner and put together a giant training cage for the Most Patient Cat in the World to do her rehab therapy in.

"Is this stuff speed, " I grilled Dr. Darrin, "Cause I have done some speed in my crazy youth and if I remember correctly it was a lot like this - only then I swear I could feel my hair grow and I smoked a lot and I forgot to eat." Yeah, I'm not proud of it, but I was a club kid in the 80's and I did my share of amphetamines. I wanted to be skinny and to dance all night, what can I say?

Darrin used his doctor voice to explain to me that it really, honestly, was not speed and that it was fine for me to take. He said my ridiculously high cholesterol and laid back (meaning: inactive) lifestyle were far more likely to cause me heart problems than this medication.

Hallelujia! I took one the next morning and again experienced feeling awake and alert. I didn't talk nearly as much, but I accomplished even more than the day before. Again, it was a reasonable hour when I went ot bed rather than, say, six in the evening.

I do believe this is a miracle drug! With my luck in about a month the first class action suit will be filed and It'll be pulled from the shelves. It's truly too good to be true.

Until then, if you need a jet pilot, I'm awake!